Drowning in cobwebs

Apologies aren't enough but I offer them anyway.

I'm sorry I haven't written here in over 5 years.

I don't know exactly what compelled me to try to (and fail to) remember my old passwords but here we are.

I can't promise that I'll post more but it would behoove me to look through the drafts and flesh something out, if only to make more than say sorry.

But I am. I am sorry.

 I hope you're doing well.

The march is over

A lot of the things that used to infuriate me to no end and would choke me with violent fantasies of vengeance-laden revenge... they seem to be gone.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that for the past year or two, I've been too exhausted to care about anything other than keeping the lights on, trying to swim against the raging current of financial debt, and trying to find light beneath an increasingly pitch-black sky.

Maybe it also has to do with the idea that I've been subconsciously meditating and trying to find peace without even trying. Seeking peace not by seeking "peace" but by meditating and grounding oneself to be stronger and to love oneself. I really have become more zen with, despite the occasional intense flash of fury.

I've slowly been realizing that a perpetual state of anger and hatred does my progress as a human being a great disservice. I do more harm than good by snarling and raging and keeping my fists clenched and at the ready. Not just to myself but those around me.

This zen-like state I've stumbled into admittedly has some degree of dark potential but I'm not going to go out of my way to find out what it is because perhaps it is much easier to let go of these burdens than it is to justify them and in doing so keep carrying them. It's easier to destroy these burdens than it is to maintain or keep building them.

It makes me wonder what my natural state really is. Anger? Sadness? A blank slate?

I'm a far cry from who I was years ago.

Years from now I'll be a further cry who can hear a very faint echo.

Review: Not the Actual Events

Not the Actual Events

Nine Inch Nails

2016

The trend seems to be that whenever an artist makes a comeback, they release something of a substantial length. A full-blown comeback tour, a full-length album, or some crazy shit like that. Trent Reznor doesn't always follow trends. As such, the nth return of Nine Inch Nails wasn't one of deafening fanfare but more of an abrupt howl from out of nowhere. One could argue that the release of Not the Actual Events was brought about by public outcry and pressure for Trent to deliver on his promise that there would be new Nine Inch Nails material before the end of 2016. One could also argue that Trent released it when it was damn good and ready and this is where my review starts.

There was a great deal of speculation and (for want of a better term) controversy regarding the release of Not the Actual Events. Trent said in December of 2015 that there would be Nine Inch Nails material in 2016 which prompted fans to wait patiently as weeks and months rolled by without as much as a word or tease or hint of anything. It wasn't til the last 10 days of December of 2016 that Trent made good on his promise... sort of.

Not the Actual Events is... choppy. It really feels like it was rushed and cobbled together from bits and pieces rather than tied together with care and the fury of previous releases. I'm all for fury, choppiness but I often hold others to higher standards than myself. To get a furious release by NIN is great but to get an incohesive release by anyone really, is kind of a letdown. There are exceptions if the product is interesting as a whole but that's not really the case here.

"Branches/Bones" starts with what I still feel is a rushed drum beat, like "Oh shit, we're releasing this when?!" So as a result of that, I see it as rushed and indicative of the rest of the EP from the start, which I'll admit isn't a fair assessment but it's hard for me to see what makes this particular song NIN. Just feels like an odd song, really.

"Dear World," carries a similar vibe but feels more fleshed out and as a result, more cohesive and complete. Like an indicator of what Trent was listening to from the old days as he was working on the EP. Not to say that it's a fantastic song but it's definitely a start.

I've never been one for droning songs but "She's Gone Away" is something of an exception. It's an interesting drone but still a drone and as such, just fades into the background.

"The Idea of You" was probably the most interesting/engaging song for me on the EP which harkens back to With Teeth but not enough to convince me that it was left off that album for some undisclosed reason. It carries some of that fury that I've always liked on NIN material so that already gives it points despite feeling somewhat disconnected from the rest of the EP. Although one could argue that it's that reason that makes it so interesting and worthy of more listens.

"Burning Bright (Field on Fire)" is another drone song only made memorable by the chorus. This one stands out though from the rest of the album because it feels meta. As if Trent was recognized that this would be something of a divisive release. It throws a bit of everything at the listener: the droning, sonic fury, only some of Trent's savage poetry, and that feeling of "Get used to this" (Break through the surface and breathe (this new air).

This really is a divisive recording. After several listens, you can recognize that it tries new things to a certain extent, plays with the standards and expectations of "Nine Inch Nails" but doesn't always do them successfully but also doesn't rely on nostalgia or "Nine Inch Nails". Not the Actual Events feels more like the first signs of something different and bigger but these first steps are shaky at best.

The last major Nine Inch Nails release was Hesitation Marks in 2013 (if you don't count Remix 2014 EP, in 2014 if you hadn't already guessed). What followed was a lengthy tour and a hunger for more material. Trent Reznor remained active in different areas but when it came to Nine Inch Nails- the project that put him on the map, he was pretty silent. 

Was the wait worth it? Hard to say really. It all boils down to opinion and preference, all propped up by varying degrees of fanaticism and eagerness. For me, I think (because I was hoping for a full-length album) Trent should have focused more on Nine Inch Nails throughout 2016 to release that "something" we were all hoping for, or delayed the release til 2017 after having added to it thus providing what would have ultimately become a disjointed and erratic but still somewhat cohesive LP.

Not the Actual Events has its moments but they are pretty scarce, a fact made more obvious on an EP but these scarce moments would definitely stand out and be received glowingly on an LP. 

7/10

Streams of tears

There's something to be said about that feeling in the pit of your stomach (or in the corners of your mind) you can't shake when you're confronted with something immense. It opens so many doors that were thought to be closed and sealed shut but weren't and seemed more like they were waiting on some incredible force to pry and blow them wide open, off the hinges almost.

The question because why is it that when we're like this that we become something different?

Are we so tired of carrying our crosses that have been cutting into us that we finally realize that the only way to truly move forward is to cast it off and march on?

It does provide a great deal of relief and help in some way but why does it have to be through difficulty and tears that we liberate ourselves?

It's us pushing back against the dark forces that have scared us and tried so damn hard to convince us into thinking we're weak. We're not weak. We might be vulnerable because human beings have a lot of weaknesses but those weaknesses are not fatal, we can and will and do recover from them. Even if we're crying our eyes out like something's terribly fucked up. We all stumble but we won't fall.

Aging sucks

I'm often reminded of my mortality, the fact that I'm getting older, and the fact that I've probably already taken a few years off of my life by having drunk excessively (to which I've slowed down so much that turtles run laps around me- I only have one or two drinks and even then someone has to offer me a drink first), done drugs (I haven't done shit like meth or coke in many years), and- more recently- gone days without sleeping. On that last part: my dubious record (or personal "best") is 48 hours and maybe 30 minutes. Or however long it took from when the Uber picked me up at work, dropped me off at home, and I brushed my teeth and got into bed and then fell asleep.

That being said, I've noticed more lately how fragile time makes my body.

When I bump against something, I feel it much more now. This is especially true at work, where the temperature is often freezing. Literally. 0°C, -5°C, -26°C.

When I hit something, it fucking hurts for many minutes. God forbid I should hit the tip of my thumb (that I cut deep enough to get stitches) because that will hurt like hell for longer than I care to think about. I can't stand the cold like I used to either, the tips of my fingers will be stiff and render me weaker. I have to stop and shake my hands or try to make fists repeatedly to get some blood flowing, or leave the cold room altogether to recuperate.

It was never like this. I could often not wear a jacket or sweater and I'd be fine but now I have to wear a jacket even when it's hot outside.

Fuck, man.

Getting old sucks.

Not There

I saw The Zombies perform in Pasadena on Friday night.

They were phenomenal! I wish I could remember their setlist in its entirety.
I remember they played I Love You, Can't Nobody Love You, She's Not There, Time of the Season, This Will be Our Year, Care of Cell 44, Tell Her No, Road Runner, Sticks and Stones, 2 Argent covers, and some of the new stuff which wasn't bad at all. In all honesty, age has not slowed them down one bit.

From the first notes, you could tell that they still had it.

They never lost it.

But despite how great they performed, one thing I couldn't shake from my mind was that despite their glory and splendor on stage, they've fallen.

Much like other heroes I've had. (Though this isn't to fully dismiss anyone I've admired or will come to admire.)

Maybe because the venue kinda sucked.

Hmm.

I've written about heroes before.
But I think it's okay to revisit old topics from time to time, provided that you don't let them devour you to the point of excess or ridicule.

I don't necessarily hope to outlive my heroes or die with them, but to grow with them and not necessarily out of them.

I used to admire (Carlos) Santana when I was a kid and he was probably the driving force behind me picking up the guitar (or sticking to it). Then it came to the point where I blurred the distinction between gimmick and signature and concluded something to the effect of, "he does the same thing all the time!" which in turn led me to tune out.

In that same vein, I've also done similar to people I know and held close.

It's not something I want to do but it's also something over which I have no control, it seems.

One crack presents itself and in time becomes bigger and bigger, and harder to ignore.

It's a sad thing to have to admit: when you know you've let go of your heroes and probably in doing so: what you thought they stood for.

This would explain why I haven't had the full steam I used to when playing guitar. It's not even a matter of quasi-arthritis and the fact that my wrists tend to get stiff when I play for extended periods of time. Though quasi-arthritis is something to look into. I'm probably cold and tired from my job, and maybe getting older. But definitely aware I should play more guitar.

For myself.

She Abandoned Me

Silence
settling over the echoes of emptiness
of nothingness upon dust

Nary an iota
of what it never meant

Only faded rust

There was probably some hope
but now that's gone.

There was probably life on that planet
but now:
doomed to crawl towards the ever fading stars

Wasn't this miserable
Wasn't this weird
Wasn't this

Was more pleasant
Was more ferocious
Was more

But it's not anyone's responsibility

guide me in the right direction

It's nobody's cross to bear but my own

Yeah.

I'm on my own.

A skeleton howls at the stars.
twinkling ashes of yesterday cover self-made scars.
Night washes away a poorly self-constructed angst

The weakest shield from
"she abandoned me."

Was she ever here to begin with?

Review: The Withers EP

The Withers EP  

The Withers  

2013  


[FULL DISCLOSURE: I personally know this band, as previously mentioned. I will do my best to maintain a high degree of neutrality and objectivity in this review. Read: I won't hand out a baffling and impossible gorillion/10 simply because I've gone drinking with the band. I'll try to be as unbiased as possible.]

I don't fully remember but I'm pretty sure The Withers EP was the first thing I heard. I remember being told to check the band out, I remember doing a Google search for the band, and coming across Pleas Please Me and EP on Bandcamp. I also remember that the EP was (and still is) $4 and this is where my review starts.

It really was (and still is) at least $4 on Bandcamp. Pleas Please Me was (and still is) free. I didn't care about having to pay for the EP, probably because I actually met the band and everything. And also because the frontman wasn't a cocky arrogant son of a bitch or anything. His intentions seemed purely driven by a love for music as opposed to aspiring to fame, expensive designer sunglasses (he wore some cheap ladies' sunglasses one sunny summer afternoon even though I offered to lend him my Ray-Ban Wayfarers for the day), or fat stacks.

A love of music over a love of the material.

The Withers EP is a different creature from Pleas Please Me.

For starters, the most obvious differences between the two are the way the songs sound. In terms of presentation, EP sounds much cleaner than Pleas. EP is not muddled, or overly distorted to the point of hindering the experience. The other difference is that EP is just that: an EP. With only 4 songs at under 20 minutes, it is obviously much shorter than Pleas (9 songs/35 minutes).

However, none of that really matters.

While EP is shorter, it is more focused in its assault on the senses. There is a marked degree of sophistication and maturity that is present on the record. There's more discipline and focus, and the songs are tighter in composition and presentation. There's more structure and more precision. Despite these seemingly rigid and stringent factors in place, there is still plenty of heart and fun. If anything, the structure helps the songs flow more cohesively (despite the absence of an ultimately meaningless overarching theme or narrative).

Just Like a Sin starts by mesmerizing and hypnotizing with its arpeggiating and droning, and then it just becomes something else which can only be described after listening to it (written words won't do it justice though that won't stop me from trying). You're drawn in by the arpeggiating, the steady beat of the drum, the haunting though not frightening vocals, and then the masterful manipulation of feedback (when played live it's a kazoo). After that, you're treated with a raw, aggressive, and wonderful display of talent and musical finesse through controlled and blissful sonic violence. If that makes any sense. The song ends with the listener processing what they just heard before they are treated to a song that can best be described as acerbic in that it has a relatively upbeat sound but surprisingly bleak lyrics.

Glowin' in the Dark is upbeat but not sugary if only because of its lyrics, though it should be pointed out that the lyrics aren't a disgustingly grim show of display, either. One line in particular is profound but will most likely end up being buried in the rough (but still listenable) vocals and the catchy sound. "All we are means nothing to the stars." A bit of a bummer if all you want is a sweet pop song, though you should be looking elsewhere until The Withers decide to play such sweet and sugary pop songs. Even the songs that follow (and round out the recording, respectively), which would probably be perfect as a sugary songs buck your expectations.

The same song found on Pleas is back! High Fructose Corn Syrup Blues! Only it's been reworked to demonstrate precision as well as the increase in sophistication in composition and presentation. It helps that the recording sounds clearer than on Pleas. This means that, this time, you can really hear the wailing and woe on these unconventional blues.

To finish off EP, you get a revamped and (in my opinion) improved version of the same song found on Pleas. A B or C. This time around, it's more aggressive, more ferocious, and brighter than before.

The only major flaw that EP has is that it's just that: an EP. This means that with 4 songs, the listener is left wanting more. There will be more, eventually and EP does a good job of getting you started.

Still waiting on Am I Hurting You? and Heavy is the Sound to get a proper recording and release.

Despite the precision, polish, and sheen on EP, this is no indicator that The Withers have sold out or have softened their sound. It just means that it sounds clearer and cleaner despite still being rough around the edges.

Maybe the last lines of the first song (or the first song as a whole) captures the record and sheds more light on the band.

THIS CACOPHONY IS THE EPITOME -IT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE A SYMPHONY- IT GOES ON & ON THE SONG REMAINS A MYSTERY

8.5/10

Remarkable?

As of this writing, I have 11 or so months (or 363 days) to accomplish something musically remarkable and amazing. Then I have to die.

I turned 27.

That's a bit of morbid humor to help cope with the fact that I'm getting older and despite my best efforts and wishes, life is passing me by. Not because I sit on my ass all day, but because I have to take different approaches to things like employment and the fact that I have to take on an erratic and unhealthy schedule in order to pay bills and the sort.

I'm taking it in stride.

While I don't like the fact that I'm getting older and often feel like I haven't accomplished anything, I would like to age gracefully thus rejecting the idea of dying young. And living fast.

Hmm.

Those who are older than me tell me it's nothing to worry about. They're almost 30 so I trust their words.

"It's not bad at all. Relax."

British bands live in my wallet

Black Sabbath
Iron Maiden
The Cure
Radiohead

Oh! Right, what's all this, then?

2016 has been shaping up to be a very interesting year thus far. I've been working more consistently though it's been on a very shitty schedule. I've also been reuniting with people though the reception has been mixed: frowned upon, labeled regrettable, or perplexing but ultimately rewarding in some form. Truths have also been revealed themselves leaving me in a state of shock. But that has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

In terms of music, 2016 has seen the repeated draining of my wallet. As I've already committed to seeing the above bands (in that order, interestingly), it is safe to say that British bands have indeed taken up residency in my wallet. Or it's a clever scheme designed to collect overdue tax money in retaliation for the Boston Tea Party, despite the fact that I had nothing to do with it nor did my ancestors (as far as I know).

And it's all part of a plan I've had kicking around in my head since I first bought tickets for Iron Maiden late last year. (The Forum, April 15, 2016). My plan is to see big bands/musicians before they stop playing: retirement, disbanding, death, whatever the reason is. This idea that I should see them before they stopped really hit me when I was debating whether I should see Black Sabbath at the Forum (February 11, 2016) or the Hollywood Bowl (September). Because the weeks prior to Black Sabbath had been riddled with the deaths of legendary and unbelievably talented musicians, the decision to fork over my money was made easier. I HAVE NO REGRETS! Black Sabbath at the Forum was an amazing show, as evidenced by the fact that my voice was shot and raspy by the end, I was mildly drenched in sweat, and woke up sore from rocking the fuck out. As the time for the Hollywood Bowl show draws nearer, I'll decide if I want to see them again. After all, it's their farewell tour, they're much older now and not exactly in the greatest health considering their pasts.

Truthfully, the setlist for Iron Maiden so far has been subject to criticism though I choose to remain mostly silent on it because it's going to be my first Iron Maiden concert and I got really good seats. I'm happy they're playing "Powerslave" which happens to be from my favorite album. That being said, I'm not too keen on the fact that the majority of the setlist is from their new album which baffles people when I say that I'm looking forward to The Cure (the Hollywood Bowl, May 23, 2016) more than I am Iron Maiden. Now, if the setlist were to alter in a way that would extend the show, and/or include more of the classics (or at least "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" and/or "The Clansman"), then I would be far more optimistic and possibly withdraw my statement. Or amend it to reflect the amendments.

As I've a reputation as a tough bad boy to keep, I only mention that particular factoid to certain people. Though I realize that by posting it on here, it's kind of a null assertion. I only look forward to The Cure more than Iron Maiden because of the company that'll be in attendance with me. And because I've been told they play long sets (thereby making it worth my time and money). I maintain this enthusiasm despite the fact that the Hollywood Bowl is quickly becoming my default venue (I've been to 3 shows there and the Cure will make 4). The Forum is at 3 shows (2 concerts, 1 comedy show, and Iron Maiden will make 4) so far.

The same sentiment goes for Radiohead (The Shrine, August 4, 2016) though that's something of an odd duck. I say this because I haven't kept up with Radiohead in years; I listen to their music from time to time but not like before when I would spend the entirety of a day listening to their discography. "King of Limbs" has left me confused and reveling in their older material. I hope they play "Nobody Does it Better" but I just hope to have a good time.

That's really all I ask if the Brits are taking my money: to have a smashing good time.

Rusty axe

A rusty axe can't hack it. I, on the other hand, can and will.

But not here, not in this present bubble.

I find it very particular that people will go out of their way to keep others down.

An interview is just that: an interview. It's not a guaranteed position, nor is it a promise or legally binding contract to offer someone employment. It's an opportunity for the applicant to prove themselves capable of something for which they strive. How can anyone aspire if they aren't even allowed a moment to breathe?

I'm stuck in a dead end job for the time being, it seems.

Labium

I want
to

kiss

your lips

No...

Something more.

To taste more
than just the surface
and the juices

of your flesh

smooth, soft, supple
sweetly scented

sublime.

what lies

beneath
and beyond

your rosy petals

Those that conceal
an equally eager ferocity
to devour something of me

Give life to something barren
Through salted means

Your lips

The way they lure me
The way they invite me in
The way they keep me here

Hungry

Sweet

Perfumed

Better

You

Scented
senses
suppleness
supplanting serenity

your lips

fiat lux

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

Woe is Me

Nah.

I'm just fucking with you.

"Whoa!" is me.

Review: Pleas Please Me

Pleas Please Me

The Withers

2011

[FULL DISCLOSURE: I personally know this band. I will do my best to maintain a high degree of neutrality and objectivity in this review. Read: I won't hand out a strangely glowing and impossible 14.9/10 simply because the frontman gave me a ride home. I'll try to be as unbiased as possible.]

"I'm gonna see Agent Orange next week." I said, smiling inside but trying to stay awake at about 6am.
"Oh yeah? I didn't know you liked punk." he responded, with his leather jacket and unkempt appearance.
"Yeah, I like a bit of everything." I yawned, rubbing my eyes.
"Y'know, I'm in a band." he added, with a marked sense of a humble type of self-importance. Or a gentle form of warranted arrogance.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, intrigued and not as sleepy as I was a few minutes prior.
"Yeah, we're THE WITHERS." he said, trying to hide a smirk, and this is where my review starts.

Pleas Please Me is an album by The Withers that I got from Bandcamp after having done some Google searching for their material. As of this writing, it's still free and available. I hesitate in calling it an album because even though it meets the running time for an LP (interchangeably referred to as an album), there's a level of cohesion absent from it that makes me comfortable in calling it such.

One could argue that the absence of cohesion actually serves as a form of cohesion and unity among the songs. And that in itself isn't a very strong argument for much, other than reaching for straws.

That being said, the lack of cohesion actually helps the lo-fi garage rock band sound on this recording. (More on the lo-fi bit later).

Fuck it, let's just call it an album. If not for the sake of truth, then for convenience.

There really isn't a specific theme or set of themes binding the songs together nor does it really matter. Put it this way, the album starts strong with "Someday Dreams." This is a song that has a chorus that chirps: "someday dreams will come true." It's upbeat, catchy, deceptively sweet (without being saccharine), and uplifting without being ham-fisted or annoying. A song like this as an opener would suggest that despite the album cover and title, the rest of the songs would be as uplifting and as cheery. Instead, it only serves to buck expectations.

The next song pulls the listener into a nice, groovy, lull. Still upbeat, still catchy, and fun. "Bloody Red Flowers."

There is, however, a divide after "A B or C" with their cover of "Runaway." It's a solid cover, and one I genuinely prefer to a number of a modern covers of "Runaway." With "Runaway" you get a darker sound, if that makes sense, that comes off as a noticeable if not sharp contrast from the first three songs.

The first three are transparently energetic, upbeat, and alert. After, "Runaway" the songs don't follow any trend and generally do whatever they want without asking for your permission, you square.

"High Fructose Corn Syrup Blues" is more mellowed-out and laidback. "Don't Dig it Up" starts off with a clip of Huell Howser before diving right into raucous gnarly noise. "Shoofly Pie" and "Thin as the Wind" keep things steady and pacing forward with some degree of discipline providing yet another sharp contrast to the almost animalistic ferocity of "Don't Dig it Up", while still keeping in suit with the rest of the album's trend of "Make good noise and have fun" all the way to the aptly-named entitled closer: "The End."

Speaking of noise and contrasts of sound...

The album sounds very scratchy and distorted. By choice. And while it could turn off listeners who are so accustomed to clean sounds, you don't really notice it in subsequent listens. The very lo-fi approach serves as double-edged sword.

The pro to the lo-fi approach on Pleas Please Me is that it makes the band stand out from others who would take a modern approach to recording. It harkens back to an era when you had to be good the first time around, or you would be stuck for multiple takes and sessions until you finally got it right. Plus something about effort and how much of a bitch it can be to record on tape vs digital. It also captures a tenacious spirit of punk rock, garage rock, fun, full-of-heart, "we're in this for the music" authenticity.

The con is that the songs' sound quality suffers and hinders the listening experience. Sounds are muddled, distorted, and could force the listener to decipher the lyrics (half-sung, half-yelled, fully delivered).

The perceived lack of obvious cohesion and thematic content actually helps the sound in terms of defining The Withers (fun, loud, noisy, pretty good), though this album isn't indicative of the band's full potential.

The chorus to the first song perfectly encapsulates the album, and perhaps the band as a whole.

Someday dreams will come true.

7.5/10

What a Mess

I met up on friendly terms with a former girlfriend.
One with whom I was madly in love. I am happy that she is happy, even without me. She tells me I've changed a lot since we first met back in 2008. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since 2010.

I broke my foot.
I tried to be a hero and as a result, I broke my foot. I lost mobility, lost a lot of money, and lost an opportunity with at least two very attractive girls. Using a cane was fun though.

One of my closest friends in the world died.
She is survived by her husband and daughter. I miss her. Reality doesn't seem right or fair knowing she's gone. I still wish that she's playing a horrible prank on us and will pop out with, "Surprise, suckas!" I still hope for this despite having been to her funeral and seeing her buried. She is the glue that holds us together, and I admit I've been slacking in communicating because I still can't come to terms with the fact that my friend is gone. It hurts.

I quit the job where I broke my foot.
They favored my coworker over me which meant there would be no advancement for me, despite having been more qualified. I also cannot handle the existential crises that working with children brings. It's better that I left rather than stick around and plant the seeds of bitterness and misanthropy in the future. The world needs less assholes.

I woke up in a hospital about 40 miles from my house.
I learned a valuable lesson in moderation and how health and insurance companies are fucking thieves. That doesn't mean I was going to let them rob me fucking blind.

I got a temporary job where I got to goof around and paid pretty well for it.
I was also appreciated. To be appreciated by an employer is a wonderful thing. An unbelievable, wonderful, amazing, fantastic, overwhelming feeling. WANTING to come into work.

The well has been dry. These are but some of the more memorable things that have happened this year. This is still no excuse for the lack of posts.

Hi.

Bright sun

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

Appreciate the Kick

I remember Quantum of Solace confused a lot of people at the time of its release. It's actually a better Bond movie than most people give it credit for. One of the things that seemed to confused people was Bond's motivation. Many thought his actions were driven purely by revenge for losing Vesper but overlooked the bigger picture. One of my favorite exchanges in this movie happens when M (Judi Dench) confronts Bond (Daniel Craig) about what an asshole he's been, basically.

M: This is about trust. You said you weren't motivated by revenge.
James Bond: I am motivated by my duty.
M: No... I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go. 

Motivated by his duty.

To the bigger picture, to take down the bad guys, etc etc.

But we are not all James Bond, are we? No, but we do have an obligation (or duty) not necessarily to take down Quantum (or SPECTRE now since that's who the bad guys will be in Bond 24 aka SPECTRE) or to Her Majesty's government, but to ourselves.

At least, that's my experience.

I'm also reminded of GoldenEye. I've never been too keen on Pierce Brosnan's portrayal of James Bond- I've often told people he doesn't count as James Bond. Whatever. There's a line that's repeated between 006/Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) and Bond (Pierce Brosnan).

"For England."

At the end of the movie, Bond drops Trevelyan from an unsurvivable distance to the ground. But shortly before that, he has him by the foot and a brief final exchange takes place.

Trevelyan: "For England, James?"
Bond: "No. For me."

Hmm.

"Maybe this was the kick you needed."

My friends have lived through some very intense things and when I can, I draw wisdom from them. That quote is from an instance of collective reflection on an event that would have normally left me absolutely devastated for ages to come but instead apparently had the opposite effect. Instead of letting it break me down, it became just another hurdle to overcome.

Not for Her Majesty, not for Vesper, not for a gold medal, not for her, but for myself. I'd often neglected to look out for myself in an appropriate way. I'd been searching for meaning and purpose through others and that's a path I don't have to walk on. Not because it's a necessarily dark and vile one but because I gain nothing by continuing on it. Sure, I do things for myself but I do so vicariously and by using others. That's not right.

I'm better off doing things for myself, by myself without having to treat others as crutches.

And I have. For a moment in the beginning, the motivation was to regain what I had lost. But reality set in and I saw the light. Not to go back but to go forward into something brighter.

Ever onward.

Ni!

Ni!

It's Not Your Heart That's Full of Blood

It's not your heart
that's full of blood.
It's not a victory
that's coming up.

This isn't the caress ye be seeking
or the lips you want to kiss.

This isn't tenderness

It's something grim
and blue
ready to rain sadness
upon
poor
old
you.

You won't be smiling in the end.
You won't be crying either.

You'll just be.

It's not a victory you're approaching.
It's not your heart that's full of blood.
It's not warmth in your eyes.
That's not a smile on your lips
or a skip in your step
or the soft breeze of warm days

nor is it
a bitch of a fucking gust
or a sprained ankle coming up
or a shit eating grin
or a moronic gaze
and that's not blood
and that's not your heart

Nobody
will tell you what it is
will fight for you
will help

You're bleeding something awful

You're bleeding this poem.