Dollop

My posts are becoming more erratic and less cohesive. I can't really offer an explanation for that because I have no idea why this is happening. Lack of focus, perhaps. Lack of (remotely) interesting things to talk about. Or maybe another reason of which I am not aware.

In any case, I'll just post this for the time being.



The well hasn't run dry. Trust me on this.

Frenzied Stoicism

Several months ago, someone asked me: "How come you never show emotion?"

It was a strange question for that person to ask me. Especially since that person has known me for about 2 maybe 3 years. We're not actually friends but that person knows me and for some bizarre reason has often hung out with my friends and I. Nonetheless, it's still a damning question to be asked. "How come [I] never show emotion?"

It came at a weird time because the chums and I were just hanging out, not doing anything but watching a movie.

Still, I gave a simplistic but verbose bullshit answer of "it's all relative": that people show emotion differently. It was enough to end that discussion but the question had already begun to dig itself deeper into my mind. I didn't lose sleep over it but I definitely thought about it often afterward.

The answer I gave (though satisfactory) led to debate about whether or not I do or do not show expression. But what are emotions? Expressions? Feelings? Are they universal? Relative? A universally mutually shared unique experience? Part of the collective unconscious? All of these things and more perhaps.

I'm not a robot. Of this I am certain. If I were, I'd rust in water or girls would complain that my touch is too cold or something. I just think that it's stupid to point out to someone that they don't show emotion. Emotions can be so powerful that they becomes so subtle and ultimately dwarf everything else and present a calm state of being. Think of stars, and the sun. As we know, the sun is basically a star. The only difference is distance. Stars that we admire so much are relatively subtle when compared to the sun but that doesn't mean that the sun isn't a star, or that the star can't sustain life in its respective part of the galaxy.

Think of the ocean and the beach. We see a series of repetitive waves crashing against the shore but sailing further and further away from shore, your vessel will most likely be torn apart by a series of enormous waves and storms. The surface is relatively calm but diving further and further, chances are something will eat you alive or kill you. Same place, different experience.

Me punching a hole into a wall is a subtle form of anger to someone else. Whereas furrowed eyebrows and curt sentences spell unimaginable doom in the eyes of others. Frenzied stoicism. Stoic frenzy. Take your pick; you're still showing something.

3:13

I can't sleep. I've found myself staring at my alarm clock in a cold fury. As I gaze upon the green numbers, they often say something ridiculous and unnerving. 4:03, 3:46, 4:23 but not in that particular order. Wait. That has actually happened but that's another story for another time.

As of late, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Thanks to this, I have a lot of time with my thoughts. Alone. This is not always a fun experience because it fills me with anger and worry at being unable to sleep. That anger fuels violent thoughts and leads me further down the Dark Side of the Force. Yoda would weep for me. I mean- Me Yoda would for weep hrrm?

Of course, these violent thoughts probably have more to do with the fact that I'm more annoyed at being unable to sleep not because I'm a violent person at heart; I'm actually quite jolly and well-tempered. Until something gets to me so greatly that I reach my breaking point and lash out. As is the same with everyone.

It's bewildering how during the time I'm supposed to be calm and at peace, I'm furious. Well, not entirely bewildering; I understand my frustrations. Seething at those green numbers lighting up the darkness. Not even the whole darkness, just a small portion of it. As annoying as a fly buzzing around, swat it away, it comes back. This probably explains why I can't hit the off button on the alarm whenever I wake up as the damn thing is under my desk or something. I probably shoved the damn thing off the desk or it had enough of my frustration and did both of us a fav- No, that's ridiculous. Of course I shoved it out of the way.

Truly, a violent person of some sort lurks inside. Or one that's annoyed.

And all because I can't sleep, or sleep as long as I should.

This will come to pass. At least, I hope it does. I hate having insomnia. Not necessarily because it's the lack of sleep but because I've come to rely heavily upon the fragments of dreams that I remember. Not to the extent that a junkie would steal a car for a quick fix but because these dreams that I've been having have come to represent some shred of hope for myself that I didn't know I had anymore. My dreams (or the fragments that I remember) have become vivid, colorful, moving and powerful. To me anyway. Not enough to make me wake up in tears but enough to keep me quiet for a few moments as I try to think about what I just experienced. Whether it's making love to a beautiful woman, or walking through the hall of the mountain king, walking down the street dwarfed by enormous towers and buildings of glass and steel draped in colors of all sorts under a sun that isn't round but more cube shaped and has a very slight but noticeable blue hue, these are the things that have come to bring me some sort of peace and inspiration and ultimately some sort of hope.

To be robbed of these things is fucking unforgivable.

But I know I'm not alone. Everyone gets mad with a lack of sleep. We call them "grumpy" but I don't really have a term I use for people who are annoyed because they haven't slept.

In either case, I hope I can get more sleep and dream more.

That way, I'm guaranteed to be more of a pleasant person.

If you're wondering about the title, run a Google search for The King of Time.