Damn it

I'm not a person who hates things. Well, I'm not a person who "hates" a lot of things. That's a more accurate statement. I don't actually see a point in hatred even though I know I still have some issues regarding hatred to resolve. That's to say, I "hate" the things I "hate" far less than I did when I started. All this is thanks to a process called "growing up" which is also known as "letting things go" even though sometimes they can be classified as two different things. Growing up and letting things go are required of an adult, something I'm working on becoming and will achieve. Eventually, in time, at some point.

Though I try to have as little hate as possible, there are some things I just can't stand. One of them is having to say three words. "I give up." and actually mean it.

It's one thing to say something and another thing to mean it. When you say one thing but don't mean it, it's generally considered to be a lie. Even if you're an actor, you still have to have a great degree of conviction in your delivery of your lines for them to ring true with the audience and make your performance believable and therefore better. So I hope that helps you understand what I mean when I say whatever it is I'm trying to say about saying something and meaning it. I suppose a better example would be the distinction between saying "sorry" and apologizing. There is a world of difference, but that'll have to wait for another time as I am straying from my original topic.

I'm the kind of person who will forever try to be an optimist, even in the face of danger. I might even laugh in the face of death. Why? Probably because I've lost my mind. I probably have because I haven't been completely sane for quite a while now. I tend to switch between being content with the way things are going and trying to get out of this damned swamp of misery.

But yes, in my efforts to be an optimist despite crappy odds I often falter and almost surrender.

I don't though because if I can control the situation, or turn it around or something I will do it. But if I give up readily and willingly even though things CAN be changed, then- it's a sickening feeling that everyone has felt at some point or another. That persistent specter of what-if and shoulda-coulda-woulda. The ghost of possibilities gone by. That's what makes me feel ill.

And that's why I remain stubborn and steadfast though it may be my downfall. That and bad writing.

Obligatory Post of the New Year: 2013

Apocalypse NOT!

2013 is underway and with that, the same droning echoes of deluded promises of self-improvement.

Which explains why for only the next month or two, gyms will be packed and then thin out by mid-March/early April. That's being generous in my estimate.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just stating facts that have oft repeated themselves time and time again. For the gym example, people seem to think that it's easy even though they KNOW it isn't. Does that make sense? But it isn't, it requires a lot of hard work and dedication and further changes in their comfortable lifestyle.

And that's why people fail in their new year's resolutions: they lack the dedication to step outside of their comfort zone for longer than a few minutes. This explains why- if I had a new year's resolution, it'd be the same as last year's: nothin'.

If you set the bar low and somehow do something, you will have surpassed your own expectations and actually accomplished something. The reason this works is because we often get carried away in our own quests for self-improvement that our modest goals become so lofty and enormous that they teeter on impossible for our current skill set.

Of course, you should aspire to something. I wouldn't recommend stretching so far that your bones get dislocated because you're gonna hurt yourself but reach for a goal.

Good luck!

Don't just do nothing, ass.

Fool in the Rain

Every now and then, I meet a girl and we decide that we have to meet up again and continue getting to know each other. Fuzzy rosy peaches and cream, right? Right?

Wrong.

More often than not, for reasons unknown to me, she stands me up. I rarely get an explanation or an apology for getting stood up. I deserve at least that much. As does anyone who gets stood up. But it never happens.

It's not a lot to ask. It's common courtesy, really: if you wrong someone, you apologize.

Still, this warped behavior doesn't put me off from further pursuing human contact. In fact, I get quite stupid about it.

Sometimes, I get so stupid and lenient that I'll call her, to no response, and wait about half an hour before finally saying "Goddamn it." and then spending the rest of the day alone.

With a cloud of disappointment hanging over me. (Not really, I'm just trying to pad out this entry so it looks like I've written more substantial content.)

I don't even bother seeking out explanations sometimes because I frankly don't care anymore at that point. I've lost interest and I won't debase myself any further for someone who didn't think enough of me to willingly give me an explanation for her absence. The most attention I'll give after that is just saying "meh"

I know a number of you can relate to happenings such as these but your methods and approaches vary.

Fun fact: This entry was originally going to be posted in July.