I can't sleep. I've found myself staring at my alarm clock in a cold fury. As I gaze upon the green numbers, they often say something ridiculous and unnerving. 4:03, 3:46, 4:23 but not in that particular order. Wait. That has actually happened but that's another story for another time.
As of late, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Thanks to this, I have a lot of time with my thoughts. Alone. This is not always a fun experience because it fills me with anger and worry at being unable to sleep. That anger fuels violent thoughts and leads me further down the Dark Side of the Force. Yoda would weep for me. I mean- Me Yoda would for weep hrrm?
Of course, these violent thoughts probably have more to do with the fact that I'm more annoyed at being unable to sleep not because I'm a violent person at heart; I'm actually quite jolly and well-tempered. Until something gets to me so greatly that I reach my breaking point and lash out. As is the same with everyone.
It's bewildering how during the time I'm supposed to be calm and at peace, I'm furious. Well, not entirely bewildering; I understand my frustrations. Seething at those green numbers lighting up the darkness. Not even the whole darkness, just a small portion of it. As annoying as a fly buzzing around, swat it away, it comes back. This probably explains why I can't hit the off button on the alarm whenever I wake up as the damn thing is under my desk or something. I probably shoved the damn thing off the desk or it had enough of my frustration and did both of us a fav- No, that's ridiculous. Of course I shoved it out of the way.
Truly, a violent person of some sort lurks inside. Or one that's annoyed.
And all because I can't sleep, or sleep as long as I should.
This will come to pass. At least, I hope it does. I hate having insomnia. Not necessarily because it's the lack of sleep but because I've come to rely heavily upon the fragments of dreams that I remember. Not to the extent that a junkie would steal a car for a quick fix but because these dreams that I've been having have come to represent some shred of hope for myself that I didn't know I had anymore. My dreams (or the fragments that I remember) have become vivid, colorful, moving and powerful. To me anyway. Not enough to make me wake up in tears but enough to keep me quiet for a few moments as I try to think about what I just experienced. Whether it's making love to a beautiful woman, or walking through the hall of the mountain king, walking down the street dwarfed by enormous towers and buildings of glass and steel draped in colors of all sorts under a sun that isn't round but more cube shaped and has a very slight but noticeable blue hue, these are the things that have come to bring me some sort of peace and inspiration and ultimately some sort of hope.
To be robbed of these things is fucking unforgivable.
But I know I'm not alone. Everyone gets mad with a lack of sleep. We call them "grumpy" but I don't really have a term I use for people who are annoyed because they haven't slept.
In either case, I hope I can get more sleep and dream more.
That way, I'm guaranteed to be more of a pleasant person.
If you're wondering about the title, run a Google search for The King of Time.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Bernard Marx
Whenever I read a book, or anything for that matter, my mind tends to keep an eye out for a quote or passage that stands out from the rest of the material. In the positive sense.
That particular quote (whatever it may be) will stick with me long after I've finished reading; or, more accurately, I'll remember it for some time. It may or may not change my way of thinking. It may just be some sparse food for thought. It might just sound cool. This unplanned strategy of finding a quote probably hinders me and my understanding more than help because my mind (or the part I can't control which seems to be in charge of this mission) becomes so focused on finding a quote that I can't enjoy what I'm reading or absorb any greater meaning.
The only times I can think of in which this strategy paid off for the better were when I read A Clockwork Orange and Brave New World for the first time.
"When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man." and most of what the Prison Chaplain said about choice, freedom, and the nature of man. Most of the Chaplain's speechery rang true (or so I thought) because I was in that awkward teenage phase of punk rebellion (minus the punk music, or any music) of "I know everything, goddamn it! What the fuck, man? Fucking government! Fucking society!" and comparatively mild teenage angst. I spent most of my time buried in a few books, bad tv, and/or video games. I've since become buried in more books and film and other stuff. What rang true in those days doesn't ring the same way now because I've obviously grown physically and mentally, at least I hope I have. If I were to think about it, it would ring on a different level by which I mean I would think beyond just my bubble of security and possibly a greater stretch of society. Possibly, not definitely. How we give up certain things for others. I wouldn't actually say trade because to me trade implies willingness and a small but strong possibility that what you gave up will return to you in some shape or form that is equal to or greater than that which you relinquished. Giving up, for me, implies just that- giving up something and not getting it back, and if you get anything back it's not what you want. But if we're going for some common ground- an unfair trade.
The Chaplain's talk implies that there is more to life than going from point A to point B. That one should do what they want rather than always doing what is demanded of them, which is a soul-crushing experience (like working in an office, trust me on this). And that one should be compelled to do good because they want to not because it is demanded of them, or forced. What good is good if it's artificial and not genuine? (Coincidentally, that's the same argument I used for volunteering. Oh, I'm a horrible person. Or I just despise those who volunteer to look good on paper and not to actually do a good deed.)
“I'd rather be myself. Myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly”
I don't remember exactly when I read Brave New World. It was definitely after I read A Clockwork Orange and possibly when I had matured from my pseudo-punk phase. I really connected with Bernard Marx's quote because I guess I felt like an outsider as well, despite fitting in. Maybe I was part of this great machine but something about me was off and refused to fit in, or I couldn't. (I remember listening to the Velvet Underground because my peers were. I still listen to them... sometimes, every now and then, rarely. Turns out their music is good but not really my thing, or I'm not as fanatical about them as others.) I know when I came across Marx's quote, I was taken aback. You are presented with this guy who's supposed to be X but is instead Y and because of it, people step on him or don't treat him as they should. He's an alpha who by some accident has a shorter body than the rest of his alpha peers. As a result, he is treated like less despite being very brilliant and capable of the same things. He refuses to take soma and conform to the ideas everyone follows, even if his rejection earns him their hatred. That quote gives you this intelligent bitter bastard who not only hates his peers but relishes the fact that he's different and goes to great lengths to embrace it even if it hurts others. Magnificent bastard. Magnificent in the sense that he stays true to himself when all others would disregard their last shred of humanity for the fleeting sensation of feeling good.
I've tried to live by that quote because I've always been a bitter person of some sort. Which I find to be very odd when people tell me I'm a sweet person. I'll take it but with a grain of salt because I'll always doubt it, and always be suspicious. I've tried to live by that quote with varying degrees of success because the self will always be difficult to define given that one will always change. And despite how I change, I'll always be myself. I'll never be able to remove myself from my place of birth- in the sense that if I say I was born on Neptune and provide documentation for it it still won't be true. And as such, I'll embrace myself and who I am whenever I am.
Oh. If anybody tells you that people don't change, they are wrong. The only thing that's constant is change, and nobody escapes that. What they really mean to say is that some things are changeless.
"Some things are changeless. People love, and die, they dream, destroy, despair, go mad. They fulfill their destinies, live out the course of their lives. We fulfill our function, as they fulfill theirs... That will not change."
That's from The Sandman. And it's true people will always change and anybody who says otherwise is probably unable to come to grips with that, which is really sad because change can be a good thing. Actually, change is neutral; it depends entirely on the individual whether said change will be good or bad or ugly or weird.
I read to read and enjoy and think. If I learn, I learn. If I find a quote that hits me, I'll roll with those punches.
That particular quote (whatever it may be) will stick with me long after I've finished reading; or, more accurately, I'll remember it for some time. It may or may not change my way of thinking. It may just be some sparse food for thought. It might just sound cool. This unplanned strategy of finding a quote probably hinders me and my understanding more than help because my mind (or the part I can't control which seems to be in charge of this mission) becomes so focused on finding a quote that I can't enjoy what I'm reading or absorb any greater meaning.
The only times I can think of in which this strategy paid off for the better were when I read A Clockwork Orange and Brave New World for the first time.
"When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man." and most of what the Prison Chaplain said about choice, freedom, and the nature of man. Most of the Chaplain's speechery rang true (or so I thought) because I was in that awkward teenage phase of punk rebellion (minus the punk music, or any music) of "I know everything, goddamn it! What the fuck, man? Fucking government! Fucking society!" and comparatively mild teenage angst. I spent most of my time buried in a few books, bad tv, and/or video games. I've since become buried in more books and film and other stuff. What rang true in those days doesn't ring the same way now because I've obviously grown physically and mentally, at least I hope I have. If I were to think about it, it would ring on a different level by which I mean I would think beyond just my bubble of security and possibly a greater stretch of society. Possibly, not definitely. How we give up certain things for others. I wouldn't actually say trade because to me trade implies willingness and a small but strong possibility that what you gave up will return to you in some shape or form that is equal to or greater than that which you relinquished. Giving up, for me, implies just that- giving up something and not getting it back, and if you get anything back it's not what you want. But if we're going for some common ground- an unfair trade.
The Chaplain's talk implies that there is more to life than going from point A to point B. That one should do what they want rather than always doing what is demanded of them, which is a soul-crushing experience (like working in an office, trust me on this). And that one should be compelled to do good because they want to not because it is demanded of them, or forced. What good is good if it's artificial and not genuine? (Coincidentally, that's the same argument I used for volunteering. Oh, I'm a horrible person. Or I just despise those who volunteer to look good on paper and not to actually do a good deed.)
“I'd rather be myself. Myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly”
I don't remember exactly when I read Brave New World. It was definitely after I read A Clockwork Orange and possibly when I had matured from my pseudo-punk phase. I really connected with Bernard Marx's quote because I guess I felt like an outsider as well, despite fitting in. Maybe I was part of this great machine but something about me was off and refused to fit in, or I couldn't. (I remember listening to the Velvet Underground because my peers were. I still listen to them... sometimes, every now and then, rarely. Turns out their music is good but not really my thing, or I'm not as fanatical about them as others.) I know when I came across Marx's quote, I was taken aback. You are presented with this guy who's supposed to be X but is instead Y and because of it, people step on him or don't treat him as they should. He's an alpha who by some accident has a shorter body than the rest of his alpha peers. As a result, he is treated like less despite being very brilliant and capable of the same things. He refuses to take soma and conform to the ideas everyone follows, even if his rejection earns him their hatred. That quote gives you this intelligent bitter bastard who not only hates his peers but relishes the fact that he's different and goes to great lengths to embrace it even if it hurts others. Magnificent bastard. Magnificent in the sense that he stays true to himself when all others would disregard their last shred of humanity for the fleeting sensation of feeling good.
I've tried to live by that quote because I've always been a bitter person of some sort. Which I find to be very odd when people tell me I'm a sweet person. I'll take it but with a grain of salt because I'll always doubt it, and always be suspicious. I've tried to live by that quote with varying degrees of success because the self will always be difficult to define given that one will always change. And despite how I change, I'll always be myself. I'll never be able to remove myself from my place of birth- in the sense that if I say I was born on Neptune and provide documentation for it it still won't be true. And as such, I'll embrace myself and who I am whenever I am.
Oh. If anybody tells you that people don't change, they are wrong. The only thing that's constant is change, and nobody escapes that. What they really mean to say is that some things are changeless.
"Some things are changeless. People love, and die, they dream, destroy, despair, go mad. They fulfill their destinies, live out the course of their lives. We fulfill our function, as they fulfill theirs... That will not change."
That's from The Sandman. And it's true people will always change and anybody who says otherwise is probably unable to come to grips with that, which is really sad because change can be a good thing. Actually, change is neutral; it depends entirely on the individual whether said change will be good or bad or ugly or weird.
I read to read and enjoy and think. If I learn, I learn. If I find a quote that hits me, I'll roll with those punches.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
That Paul Simon song only lists 6~ ways to leave your lover. Without looking it up, I'm sure someone else has done this before but here's my facetious take on the song / adding to it.
Listen to the version by Simon & Garfunkel from Concert in Central Park to hear them getting funky. Awesome.
*Disclaimer: Most of these are terrible, terrible, terrible ideas.
1 Slip out the back, Jack
2 Make a new plan, Stan
3 You don't need to be coy, Roy
4 Just get yourself free
5 Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much
6 Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
7 Simply walk out.
8 Go for a night out on the town, then just leave them in the middle of wherever you are
9 Move out to someplace else
10 Travel to another dimension
11 Pick up a disgusting habit
12 Give them a hard whack on the head so they forget who you are.
13 Give them a hard whack on the head so they decide to leave because you're too violent.
14 Fake your own death.
15 Write a libelous book about them; they'll have to leave you alone.
16 Send them to a hospital on Guerrero street.
17 Ignore them and they'll eventually piss off.
18 Go out to the store for cigarettes and don't come back.
19 Get abducted by aliens.
20 Travel back in time.
21 Give yourself amnesia.
22 Hypnotize yourself so you think you're a chicken.
23 Build an underground shelter with enough food to last for 10 years, hide for 8 or so years, then re-emerge. By now, you'll be considered legally dead letting you be free to start a brand new life.
24 Move to another planet.
25 Move to another galaxy.
26 If your lover has political views that conflict with yours, exploit those differences.
27 Join a cult.
28 Join an organization like the Peace Corps.
29 Force your lover to join a cult.
30 Force your lover to join an organization like the Peace Corps.
31 Magic.
32 Abuse science.
33 Give them money to leave.
34 Tell them they owe you money so often that they get fed up and take off.
35 Be uncomfortably clingy.
36 Be a real asshole/bitch.
37 Tie them to a chair and put them on the next train out of town.
38 Play a game you know they'll lose, loser has to leave town.
39 Make them think they're going bonkers so they end up in a loony bin
40 Brainwash them into leaving
41 Become so rich and powerful that your responsibilities ultimately alienate you from your lover
42 Run away to the forest and never come back
43 Become so passionate about a subject that it ultimately alienates you from your lover.
44 Sail to the Bermuda triangle
45 Join a religious movement that stresses celibacy as one of its core principles
46 Let your vices push them away
47 Tell them you don't love them anymore
48 Don't love them anymore
49 Change
50 Hate them so much you can't stand them.
Meh.
Listen to the version by Simon & Garfunkel from Concert in Central Park to hear them getting funky. Awesome.
*Disclaimer: Most of these are terrible, terrible, terrible ideas.
1 Slip out the back, Jack
2 Make a new plan, Stan
3 You don't need to be coy, Roy
4 Just get yourself free
5 Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much
6 Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
7 Simply walk out.
8 Go for a night out on the town, then just leave them in the middle of wherever you are
9 Move out to someplace else
10 Travel to another dimension
11 Pick up a disgusting habit
12 Give them a hard whack on the head so they forget who you are.
13 Give them a hard whack on the head so they decide to leave because you're too violent.
14 Fake your own death.
15 Write a libelous book about them; they'll have to leave you alone.
16 Send them to a hospital on Guerrero street.
17 Ignore them and they'll eventually piss off.
18 Go out to the store for cigarettes and don't come back.
19 Get abducted by aliens.
20 Travel back in time.
21 Give yourself amnesia.
22 Hypnotize yourself so you think you're a chicken.
23 Build an underground shelter with enough food to last for 10 years, hide for 8 or so years, then re-emerge. By now, you'll be considered legally dead letting you be free to start a brand new life.
24 Move to another planet.
25 Move to another galaxy.
26 If your lover has political views that conflict with yours, exploit those differences.
27 Join a cult.
28 Join an organization like the Peace Corps.
29 Force your lover to join a cult.
30 Force your lover to join an organization like the Peace Corps.
31 Magic.
32 Abuse science.
33 Give them money to leave.
34 Tell them they owe you money so often that they get fed up and take off.
35 Be uncomfortably clingy.
36 Be a real asshole/bitch.
37 Tie them to a chair and put them on the next train out of town.
38 Play a game you know they'll lose, loser has to leave town.
39 Make them think they're going bonkers so they end up in a loony bin
40 Brainwash them into leaving
41 Become so rich and powerful that your responsibilities ultimately alienate you from your lover
42 Run away to the forest and never come back
43 Become so passionate about a subject that it ultimately alienates you from your lover.
44 Sail to the Bermuda triangle
45 Join a religious movement that stresses celibacy as one of its core principles
46 Let your vices push them away
47 Tell them you don't love them anymore
48 Don't love them anymore
49 Change
50 Hate them so much you can't stand them.
Meh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)