What a Mess

I met up on friendly terms with a former girlfriend.
One with whom I was madly in love. I am happy that she is happy, even without me. She tells me I've changed a lot since we first met back in 2008. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since 2010.

I broke my foot.
I tried to be a hero and as a result, I broke my foot. I lost mobility, lost a lot of money, and lost an opportunity with at least two very attractive girls. Using a cane was fun though.

One of my closest friends in the world died.
She is survived by her husband and daughter. I miss her. Reality doesn't seem right or fair knowing she's gone. I still wish that she's playing a horrible prank on us and will pop out with, "Surprise, suckas!" I still hope for this despite having been to her funeral and seeing her buried. She is the glue that holds us together, and I admit I've been slacking in communicating because I still can't come to terms with the fact that my friend is gone. It hurts.

I quit the job where I broke my foot.
They favored my coworker over me which meant there would be no advancement for me, despite having been more qualified. I also cannot handle the existential crises that working with children brings. It's better that I left rather than stick around and plant the seeds of bitterness and misanthropy in the future. The world needs less assholes.

I woke up in a hospital about 40 miles from my house.
I learned a valuable lesson in moderation and how health and insurance companies are fucking thieves. That doesn't mean I was going to let them rob me fucking blind.

I got a temporary job where I got to goof around and paid pretty well for it.
I was also appreciated. To be appreciated by an employer is a wonderful thing. An unbelievable, wonderful, amazing, fantastic, overwhelming feeling. WANTING to come into work.

The well has been dry. These are but some of the more memorable things that have happened this year. This is still no excuse for the lack of posts.

Hi.

Bright sun

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

Appreciate the Kick

I remember Quantum of Solace confused a lot of people at the time of its release. It's actually a better Bond movie than most people give it credit for. One of the things that seemed to confused people was Bond's motivation. Many thought his actions were driven purely by revenge for losing Vesper but overlooked the bigger picture. One of my favorite exchanges in this movie happens when M (Judi Dench) confronts Bond (Daniel Craig) about what an asshole he's been, basically.

M: This is about trust. You said you weren't motivated by revenge.
James Bond: I am motivated by my duty.
M: No... I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go. 

Motivated by his duty.

To the bigger picture, to take down the bad guys, etc etc.

But we are not all James Bond, are we? No, but we do have an obligation (or duty) not necessarily to take down Quantum (or SPECTRE now since that's who the bad guys will be in Bond 24 aka SPECTRE) or to Her Majesty's government, but to ourselves.

At least, that's my experience.

I'm also reminded of GoldenEye. I've never been too keen on Pierce Brosnan's portrayal of James Bond- I've often told people he doesn't count as James Bond. Whatever. There's a line that's repeated between 006/Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) and Bond (Pierce Brosnan).

"For England."

At the end of the movie, Bond drops Trevelyan from an unsurvivable distance to the ground. But shortly before that, he has him by the foot and a brief final exchange takes place.

Trevelyan: "For England, James?"
Bond: "No. For me."

Hmm.

"Maybe this was the kick you needed."

My friends have lived through some very intense things and when I can, I draw wisdom from them. That quote is from an instance of collective reflection on an event that would have normally left me absolutely devastated for ages to come but instead apparently had the opposite effect. Instead of letting it break me down, it became just another hurdle to overcome.

Not for Her Majesty, not for Vesper, not for a gold medal, not for her, but for myself. I'd often neglected to look out for myself in an appropriate way. I'd been searching for meaning and purpose through others and that's a path I don't have to walk on. Not because it's a necessarily dark and vile one but because I gain nothing by continuing on it. Sure, I do things for myself but I do so vicariously and by using others. That's not right.

I'm better off doing things for myself, by myself without having to treat others as crutches.

And I have. For a moment in the beginning, the motivation was to regain what I had lost. But reality set in and I saw the light. Not to go back but to go forward into something brighter.

Ever onward.