A lot of the things that used to infuriate me to no end and would choke me with violent fantasies of vengeance-laden revenge... they seem to be gone.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that for the past year or two, I've been too exhausted to care about anything other than keeping the lights on, trying to swim against the raging current of financial debt, and trying to find light beneath an increasingly pitch-black sky.
Maybe it also has to do with the idea that I've been subconsciously meditating and trying to find peace without even trying. Seeking peace not by seeking "peace" but by meditating and grounding oneself to be stronger and to love oneself. I really have become more zen with, despite the occasional intense flash of fury.
I've slowly been realizing that a perpetual state of anger and hatred does my progress as a human being a great disservice. I do more harm than good by snarling and raging and keeping my fists clenched and at the ready. Not just to myself but those around me.
This zen-like state I've stumbled into admittedly has some degree of dark potential but I'm not going to go out of my way to find out what it is because perhaps it is much easier to let go of these burdens than it is to justify them and in doing so keep carrying them. It's easier to destroy these burdens than it is to maintain or keep building them.
It makes me wonder what my natural state really is. Anger? Sadness? A blank slate?
I'm a far cry from who I was years ago.
Years from now I'll be a further cry who can hear a very faint echo.
