V for Vacation

I work two jobs. Up until a few days ago, I was working three.

Now, I'm back to two. And that's pretty neat, I believe. I like one job immensely because it appreciates me and I don't feel like hell at the end of the work day. I also find it more satisfying which is something I've been trying to find for a while.

A job that satisfies the soul... in some way, shape or form.

The other job, as you can probably guess, has pushed me to the edge of my patience and made me abandon that principle of absolutely relentless loyalty just for the sake of it. While loyalty is a good thing, one must also be loyal to the self and what it entails.

As such, I've made arrangements for myself to take a vacation from that place. I've only just started but holy fuck does it feel so good to not have to go there.

I breathe better, I eat better, I actually get some rest, and I feel better than I have in an incredibly long time. My only hope is that I don't become quickly jaded and bitter when I have to return.

I like grinning and laughing like a giddy, goofy idiot.

I also like sleeping and feeling good.

In Search of a Light

I've been drinking a lot lately. And it's taken me places that I'm not sure I would have gone sober. When I say I've been drinking a lot, I mean I've been dancing in alcoholic territory. From possible alcoholic tendencies to "if you keep this up, you're going to need help." You know: a bottle or two a day, a 12 pack by yourself. That sort of thing.

I have a very destructive personality, it seems.

And on that same token, I have an overwhelming desire to rebuild.

As such, I've done something that many would consider stupid.

I've been calling up my exes when fucked up. Some don't appreciate it. One, however, did and she was the last person I'd expect to actually return my call. I didn't expect for us to have such a pleasant long chat after so much time had passed.

I explained to her my reasons for calling, and that I was drunk. And we spoke normally, calmly, no anger, no hatred, no hard feelings, only wishing the best for each other.

I think the path I've taken with this is a good one, or shows signs of being a good one.

If I could only get the other ones to stop hating me, the quest for this light would go much better.

It would be greatly appreciated because it would mean on a small scale that the human race is capable of letting go, capable of understanding, and generally capable of defying themselves and the masks they choose to put on.

A brave face is often really just a mask hiding a sad face, in my experience.

We try so hard to be so tough but in putting up this act, we often forget to look at the underlying issue. Instead of covering up, we should dig deep and find the source of the problem/issue and deal with that.

That's what I've been trying to do, and failing rather spectacularly at it.

I can and will do right as I continue my search for a light.