In Search of a Light

I've been drinking a lot lately. And it's taken me places that I'm not sure I would have gone sober. When I say I've been drinking a lot, I mean I've been dancing in alcoholic territory. From possible alcoholic tendencies to "if you keep this up, you're going to need help." You know: a bottle or two a day, a 12 pack by yourself. That sort of thing.

I have a very destructive personality, it seems.

And on that same token, I have an overwhelming desire to rebuild.

As such, I've done something that many would consider stupid.

I've been calling up my exes when fucked up. Some don't appreciate it. One, however, did and she was the last person I'd expect to actually return my call. I didn't expect for us to have such a pleasant long chat after so much time had passed.

I explained to her my reasons for calling, and that I was drunk. And we spoke normally, calmly, no anger, no hatred, no hard feelings, only wishing the best for each other.

I think the path I've taken with this is a good one, or shows signs of being a good one.

If I could only get the other ones to stop hating me, the quest for this light would go much better.

It would be greatly appreciated because it would mean on a small scale that the human race is capable of letting go, capable of understanding, and generally capable of defying themselves and the masks they choose to put on.

A brave face is often really just a mask hiding a sad face, in my experience.

We try so hard to be so tough but in putting up this act, we often forget to look at the underlying issue. Instead of covering up, we should dig deep and find the source of the problem/issue and deal with that.

That's what I've been trying to do, and failing rather spectacularly at it.

I can and will do right as I continue my search for a light.