Coughed and Shook His Crumpled Wings

I spoke to someone about anger recently and it forced me to reflect on it on and off for about a week. I didn't like it because it made me remember how fucked up people can be when angry. Mostly the beatings I received as a child growing up, or being yelled at to the point of crying and wishing I was dead. And remembering how I would make other people cry and feel like shit. A vicious cycle that I would like to end.

I understand that anger can be necessary for great acting performances that earn you awards, or to get a point across but most of the time, when are we trying to win gold statues or have such intense arguments that we need to drown each other out in order to appear to be the winner of said argument?

I don't like being angry. It's a generally awful state of being that I prefer to avoid as much as possible simply because it's a waste of time, energy, and is destructive. It's more than I'm concerned about others than I am about myself at this point. It's not that I'll get so mad I'll start dragon kicking everybody in the room but that I'll say something that I'll later regret. When you say things you later regret, you tend to harm others in a potentially irreparable way: emotional and mental scars are a bitch to get past.

If I were to focus more on myself, I'd probably say things like:
Being angry forces me to shout and snarl at people which in turn causes me to wear out my voice, I love my voice.

I don't like being angry because when I start throwing punches, my knuckles are the ones that feel the pain. Plus I have to wipe other people's blood from them.

You know, needlessly narcissistic things. That ain't me. I don't play that. I never been about that!

Although I can definitely see the benefit of anger getting the blood flowing. And gets the creative machine up and running. See the Nine Inch Nails discography for examples.

Still, I digress.

Anger is destructive and fun but the sort of fun that'll land you in more hot water than you can handle: the one that'll burn you alive and leave you with some nasty scars if you survive.

Four Star Daydream

I checked my account the other day. I never had much to begin with but when I checked I was flabbergasted at how little I had left. I shrugged it off because there are more important things than money.

Recently, however, I had a very bizarre conversation that left me with a very strange feeling. One that can best be described as disgust, disappointment, and bitterness rolled into one.

I try not to place importance on money because it'll distract me and make me feel like shit, especially since I don't have much anyway. When others place an enormous amount of importance, it freaks me the hell out.

It freaks me out because it suggests skewed and mixed-up priorities. That they would place more value on an inanimate and intangible idea. Eh. I would prefer it if people weren't so hung up on money but that's the way we've been raised, isn't it? To strive for more. But where does one draw the line?

Surely, there must be a line that separates ambition from dangerous excess. But where is it? And how does one define it? Should it even be defined?

Maybe I just say these things because I'm broke.

Raft of Wrath

On a wave
A raft
shaken, rattled, rolled

In the raft
A little being
sore, hungry, tired

The sun above everything
did nothing but
warm, burn, observe

The little raft
The wave
The violence of the sun

The little being

Stared at the empty sky and wondered
Why?

To be marooned with and without hope
Far from the warmth
and the tenderness of home

Alone
Alive
Always wondering
Why?

Feeling anger brew within
Boiling, bubbling,
Drying bitter tears
bursting and bleeding

Snarling at the sky

Cursing the clouds

Weeping at the stars and moon

A little raft of wrath floats in an endless sea
tearing itself apart.
It is just one
of sadness, pain, and misery.

Small of patches of dirt now and again
fleeting bits of smiling beauty
'neath the scorching sky
praying for the rain

To come and save you.

No puedo dormir

Cuando no puedo dormir,
sueño
con ser algo diferente
algo más
de mi.
Sueño.

Muchas noches
me quedo despierto
desesperado
pensativo
equivocado.
Despierto.

No puedo dormir.
No existe descanso
solo una batalla eterna
que sigue y nunca para.

La lucha infinita
contra el ser y el tiempo.
Contra la mente y el cielo.

Las alas son para volar.

Alone (Edgar Allan Poe)

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

- Edgar Allan Poe

Knuckles, Guts and Grace

What does fighting bring?

As many songs have taught us, war (which is fighting on a larger-scale though not necessarily an evolved form) is good for absolutely nothing. Huh! And this also seems to be the case with visual media. This was not always the case, something changed. I can't for the life of me figure out when it happened because violence has always been inherent in the system and the way we have done things.

However, I won't argue the merits and drawbacks of violence or warfare right now. I just came to write about fighting.

Fighting is inherent in our society. It's apparently embedded into our DNA and etched deeply into our souls. Fighting is the reason we have come this far. And what I mean by fighting is the unyielding nature of a human being. One could call it stubbornness and it wouldn't be an incorrect assessment. It all really just means that humans throughout history have always keep going forward even if the odds were against them and many times they have been (and this trend will not be broken any time soon).

Why? Because there's always something over the horizon. Always within our grasps but always elusive. But that doesn't stop us because somehow, it's known that though we will not be able to grab the sun within our hands, we will be able to claim what we find in our quest. Land, water, treasure, life, glory, peace.

These are the reasons we fight. To live.

We bleed because we have guts. We break our bones to secure something greater than ourselves for a cause we've deemed to be greater than ourselves as well. The same way a man breaks his back to provide for his family, or the same way you crack eggs to make omelets.

Through this rambling, I mean to point out and make clear that if you're having problems and seem to be down, you should fight. Forward. Use your knuckles, your guts, and all your grace. You owe it to yourself to keep going, you've already made it this far. You'd be a fool to stop and call it quits.

Vanishing Content

Remember how I said a long time ago that I might start taking certain images and posts down to avoid getting sued?

Well, not exactly those words but it's in the housekeeping post that gets updated from time to time. Here:

• If I delete posts- poetry, art, stories, etc. The main reason will be because it's not in public domain (and I don't want to get in trouble for it). If anything, I'll link to the site instead.

Sure, it's highly unlikely but just in case, I've been removing or editing certain content in an effort to not get sued or in trouble or anything like that.

Apologies.

Maturity

Every year is getting shorter. Hairs get grayer, backs get stiffer, bones get brittle. People get older. As they get older, they are expected to be more mature.

This seems like too difficult a task to ask of anyone, really. The reason being that not everyone's brains and minds are exactly the same, or even similar. Different sorts of experiences and backgrounds play a significant role in shaping how and when a person will mature.

Unfortunately, those who grasp that they must be mature, misunderstand what it means. They equate maturity with being boring, dull, and lacking life and joy and "spice."

Is that really how bad things have gotten? That growing up and maturing is equated with being boring? What about fruits and vegetables? They don't get boring, they get ripe (at which point, they're mature and ready for consumption). The same way humans get mature and are ready for the finer subtleties life has to offer. Or the hazards and pitfalls like money and responsibility: starting and having a family, maintaing said family, etc.

But these things do not mean one must become boring. One can still be an effective parent and have a sense of humor the same way one can fit into the trope of being a businessman and still eat cotton candy.

Moderation and maturity. Balance. Baturity?

There can be joy when the skies seem gray.

Scheduled Posts

They can be fun. I'm referring to the Blogger feature. Finish writing something a month ago and just wanna post it now? Click! They're a pain in the ass. I'm referring to the many posts I've yet to post, finish, or even write! Started writing something two years ago and only now getting around to it only to find that you've lost that train of thought? AGH! Joy.