Skim

As a male, I am expected to do and be a lot of things. I'm expected to be strong, wise, a provider, fearless, courageous, and to obey and carry out my duties, and other things I didn't list. It's obvious that a lot is expected of me as I am considered young. It is my duty as a human male on this Earth. Make money, make babies, make a life for them. If we were being graded or judged on these particular expectations, I would say I'm doing an awful job at meeting these expectations. I'm stalling and the plummet seems to be happening in slow motion. The reasons for this is that when the expectations are being created, nobody looks at the smaller details, the gears and cogs that make the big machine run. All they want to see is the big picture. I try to ignore all these things and forge a path for myself. The steps I take do coincide with expectations but not all the time.

Why? Because everything is stupid and I refuse to play the game, though I grudgingly do so to keep people from talking.

I am also expected to eventually find a girl, get married, have children and provide for my family (and be everything I listed on a far greater level than before. That's to say: if I'm supposed to be strong now, I'm supposed to be able to move mountains as a father. This exaggeration is apt.)

But notice how I left out "fall in love", even though you probably read it automatically. Anyone older than me who has told me to get married has never told me to "fall in love" whilst in the pursuit of a wife. Despite this, I'm also expected to be romantic.

This presents a minor annoyance that still remains significant in how baffling it can be. "Do this but not this while doing exactly not this" is the closest way of putting it into words.

Goddamn it.

Washed Away

It's becoming increasingly difficult to combat this wave of apathy that has pulled me under the surface. I'm not drowning but I'm not exactly fighting like hell to get back to land. There are times when I want to do nothing more than sleep or just sit around doing nothing. This is not a reason for me not having written anything substantial. That is because I really have been too damn busy with other things to dedicate more time and energy here. Rest assured, my bizarre brand of apathy is not affecting my writing here. If anything, I wish I could have more to write about other than the inane bullshit I spew and the horrifically awful prose and poetry that makes its way here every now and then.

Everything else seems to have been washed away. There are things that I used to feel so passionate about and now they're just part of the faded background. I'm finding it harder and harder to want to connect with these things on a level that goes beyond the surface. Beyond the level of feeling that it's just another chore to be brushed aside.

Oh to want to want to do things rather than half-ass them or not want to do anything.

Maybe I'm just bored of the cycle in which I find myself day after day. It's natural to be bored but to become apathetic? That doesn't seem right, does it?