Destruction

Destruction is merely construction reversed. Since it is still construction, it can ultimately be defined as the act of rearranging things and not the process of causing so much damage as to drive out of existence. Rather nice, isn't it?

There is Danger!

Or is there? Yes, there most certainly is. And there will always be danger, regardless of what kind of preparations you make. Danger is inevitable and a key aspect of life. If there's one thing that will always exist (for the most part), it's danger.

If the universe is neatly split into 2 halves- Good and Evil, and you remove Evil, you'll still end up with Evil. The only difference is that now, the game is played by Good and Less-Good which is basically Evil (as it is not Good).

Replace Good and Evil with Safety and Danger, respectively.

If the universe is neatly split into 2 halves- Safety and Danger, and you remove Danger, you'll still end up with Danger. The only difference is that now, the game is played by Safety and Less-Safety which is basically Danger (as it is not Safety).

But the universe isn't split into two neat halves, is it? It's all one color that has ever-shifting hue that morphs at every angle imaginable (and unimaginable) as to defy rigid classification and such. As bizarre as that sounds, it's very likely because you'll always hear someone say "Well, it depends" and "Kind of sort of maybe" and varying phrases that echo that same sentiment of indecision and gray areas.

The universe is a wonderful dangerous gray area. My favorite shirt is gray and has holes in it.

You Have Incurred My Wrath!

I've made a lot of people angry over the years. Some will just let their anger fade away because they realize there's really nothing to be angry about. Others have been angry for some time but eventually let it go. I doubt that anyone still holds a grudge against me but chances are there were people who did, or individuals. What never really changed was how they presented themselves: swearing, yelling, hatred and poison in their voice, and sometimes a threat. Sometimes they would just furrow their eyebrows, point at me and glare as if to say without words that I've incurred the wrath of some powerful creature. Or they'd just say, "You better watch your back." which is really a stupid thing to say.

In my opinion, "You'll pay for this!" is more menacing than "You better watch your back." Sure they're both vague but for me, "You'll pay for this" is a little more direct whereas "watch your back" would just make you spin until you're dizzy. If nausea is the goal then I congratulate you. Payment options- blood, money, reputation, life. See? Puts a great deal of fear into you, doesn't it?

The same wording would apply to "I'll get you for this." Because I see it as "I'll get you(r) _____ for this!" ____ = Blood, money, reputation ruined, life. Eh? Eh?

On the other side, people have made me angry over the years. Some more than others. I've held some grudges but have recently let them go. Why? They're not worth the time or effort it takes in planning out revenge and executing it. Though I have a horrible temper (or so I'm told), I haven't let it run wild in a long time. I plan on keeping it that, and it's been working quite nicely these past few years. I do get upset and annoyed with people every now and then. Only a glimpse of my anger shows but it's enough to make people take a step back and say "Whoa."

I don't like that feeling. Their eyes paint me as some vicious vile monster. I'm not a monster. I don't have a cataclysmic wrath ready to be unleashed in the blink of an eye. Maybe a bad temper that is under control but certainly not a wrath. At least I hope not.

Hmm.

Banner

Growing up I was made fun of. A lot. I never truly understood why this was. Why was I being made fun of for simply for being myself? I followed the rules, I stayed out of people's ways, I tried to treat others the way I wanted to be treated but despite all this they hurt me. Bastards. Their insults got to me, as did their fists and kicks, as they are wont to do. It hurt more because I was just a kid, and I didn't understand why this was. If it was appearance, it was unfair that among the other lanky kids with glasses I was the only one to be singled out.

As I went through school, I was still made fun of, and a target for bigger bullies. The insults hurt less but the physical pain hurt a bit more. I remember I confronted one once. I asked him if I had ever done anything to him to warrant such idiotic behavior from him. He said he picked on me just for the sake of doing it. What the fuck did I ever do to him? Nothing. If I had done something to slight him then there might have been a tiny pebble of justification for being a jerk to me, but since there wasn't I'm just baffled. How does one push someone else around "just because"? This is madness!

I embarrassed him once the following year in front of our class. He couldn't walk the walk and I felt a slight peace as he sat there baffled and gathering anger. Of course that didn't stop him from confronting me later that day, when I was alone. I didn't back down and nothing happened. He just stopped. After that, I was still made fun of but I had already begun building up this shoddy shield that kept out most of the sting and injury of my environment.

Stuff still got through but it hurt way less, for the most part. What this did to me was make me strange, angry, and jolly above all. I'm not actually bitter, though I have these moments of "This prick¹ is really THAT sweet² guy?"

I blame those vile fucked up jars called people.

They bring out the worst in me by projecting their insecurities onto me. I'm not a bitter person by nature. Though rumors have it that I'm a very angry person. I sincerely doubt that. Or I'm in denial about my anger. Let's hope I never get blasted with gamma radiation. But yes, I'm not a bitter person by nature.

I can't say the same for others but they make me angry through their bitterness, those incorrigible fiends! Incapable of respect, concern, being considerate or being human! It's people like these who make this world a terrible place and fuck it up for the rest of us. They demand and take too much. Rarely giving far too little or just nothing at all.

I'm trying my best not to lose my temper. "All I wanna do is walk the stupid path of peace" as that old Mad TV sketch with Will Sasso (as Steven Seagal) and David Carradine goes.

Ah.

¹ Prick is an insult, obviously. And a term reserved for someone who behaves indecorously.
² I've been described positively as many things. Sweet is one of them.

Parasites vs People

People are empty jars riddled with holes. Try as you might to fill them up with knowledge, love, attention, etc they'll never be satisfied or full or complete or anything of the sort. When you can't fill them with anything (for reasons that may be beyond your control), they'll respond with emptiness and a cold but quiet anger of sorts. This seems to seep into your mind and cause damage ranging from a minor itch to "Jesus fucking Christ! This is fucking painful!"

Of course, that first statement isn't entirely correct. Most people are those fucked up jars. There are obviously exceptions, though, in my experience, they are far too rare and often go unnoticed. These are the kinds of people that make life worthwhile and pleasant.

I'd like to be able to filter out those fucked up jars who demand too much and take everything but give too little too rarely or just give nothing at all. Unfortunately, one will have to deal with these parasites until everyone is enlightened, or until the world ends. The latter being more likely. A shame, isn't it?

The Emerald Ivory Figure's Fine Grasp and the Deathblow

An ivory gleaming being
cloaked in bitter cloth
marching beside you
arrests your mind's attention
telling you all sorts of sweet bitter things
showing a crumbling palace splendor and glee
hiding something sinister underneath
that faint and twisted smile.

"Have a smoke, or a drink.
Come. Sit with me."
A table rises from thin air
a siren's song beckons you to sit there
to sip at expiry.

Your head yells at you
but you don't listen

"Her gaze is steady and cruel.
Her aim is straight and true.
She'll land the deathblow upon poor miserable you."

Something of hers touches you
your heart flutters with venom and vice
and beautiful visions that are lovely and false but nice.

Your mind bends and melts
She says nothing.
She doesn't smirk.
Her eyes return a vacant gaze at you.

That foul and beautiful enchantress

the deathblow.

inexplicable beauty of butchery
and flowers
and sweet things.

The ivory figure marches on.
Her gait draws your eyes to her
as she walks with another poor soul

You know his end all too well
you know she'll send him to a bitter happiness: hell.

Her hauntingly beautiful gait beckons you to rise
and fall.

Dollop

My posts are becoming more erratic and less cohesive. I can't really offer an explanation for that because I have no idea why this is happening. Lack of focus, perhaps. Lack of (remotely) interesting things to talk about. Or maybe another reason of which I am not aware.

In any case, I'll just post this for the time being.



The well hasn't run dry. Trust me on this.

Frenzied Stoicism

Several months ago, someone asked me: "How come you never show emotion?"

It was a strange question for that person to ask me. Especially since that person has known me for about 2 maybe 3 years. We're not actually friends but that person knows me and for some bizarre reason has often hung out with my friends and I. Nonetheless, it's still a damning question to be asked. "How come [I] never show emotion?"

It came at a weird time because the chums and I were just hanging out, not doing anything but watching a movie.

Still, I gave a simplistic but verbose bullshit answer of "it's all relative": that people show emotion differently. It was enough to end that discussion but the question had already begun to dig itself deeper into my mind. I didn't lose sleep over it but I definitely thought about it often afterward.

The answer I gave (though satisfactory) led to debate about whether or not I do or do not show expression. But what are emotions? Expressions? Feelings? Are they universal? Relative? A universally mutually shared unique experience? Part of the collective unconscious? All of these things and more perhaps.

I'm not a robot. Of this I am certain. If I were, I'd rust in water or girls would complain that my touch is too cold or something. I just think that it's stupid to point out to someone that they don't show emotion. Emotions can be so powerful that they becomes so subtle and ultimately dwarf everything else and present a calm state of being. Think of stars, and the sun. As we know, the sun is basically a star. The only difference is distance. Stars that we admire so much are relatively subtle when compared to the sun but that doesn't mean that the sun isn't a star, or that the star can't sustain life in its respective part of the galaxy.

Think of the ocean and the beach. We see a series of repetitive waves crashing against the shore but sailing further and further away from shore, your vessel will most likely be torn apart by a series of enormous waves and storms. The surface is relatively calm but diving further and further, chances are something will eat you alive or kill you. Same place, different experience.

Me punching a hole into a wall is a subtle form of anger to someone else. Whereas furrowed eyebrows and curt sentences spell unimaginable doom in the eyes of others. Frenzied stoicism. Stoic frenzy. Take your pick; you're still showing something.

3:13

I can't sleep. I've found myself staring at my alarm clock in a cold fury. As I gaze upon the green numbers, they often say something ridiculous and unnerving. 4:03, 3:46, 4:23 but not in that particular order. Wait. That has actually happened but that's another story for another time.

As of late, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Thanks to this, I have a lot of time with my thoughts. Alone. This is not always a fun experience because it fills me with anger and worry at being unable to sleep. That anger fuels violent thoughts and leads me further down the Dark Side of the Force. Yoda would weep for me. I mean- Me Yoda would for weep hrrm?

Of course, these violent thoughts probably have more to do with the fact that I'm more annoyed at being unable to sleep not because I'm a violent person at heart; I'm actually quite jolly and well-tempered. Until something gets to me so greatly that I reach my breaking point and lash out. As is the same with everyone.

It's bewildering how during the time I'm supposed to be calm and at peace, I'm furious. Well, not entirely bewildering; I understand my frustrations. Seething at those green numbers lighting up the darkness. Not even the whole darkness, just a small portion of it. As annoying as a fly buzzing around, swat it away, it comes back. This probably explains why I can't hit the off button on the alarm whenever I wake up as the damn thing is under my desk or something. I probably shoved the damn thing off the desk or it had enough of my frustration and did both of us a fav- No, that's ridiculous. Of course I shoved it out of the way.

Truly, a violent person of some sort lurks inside. Or one that's annoyed.

And all because I can't sleep, or sleep as long as I should.

This will come to pass. At least, I hope it does. I hate having insomnia. Not necessarily because it's the lack of sleep but because I've come to rely heavily upon the fragments of dreams that I remember. Not to the extent that a junkie would steal a car for a quick fix but because these dreams that I've been having have come to represent some shred of hope for myself that I didn't know I had anymore. My dreams (or the fragments that I remember) have become vivid, colorful, moving and powerful. To me anyway. Not enough to make me wake up in tears but enough to keep me quiet for a few moments as I try to think about what I just experienced. Whether it's making love to a beautiful woman, or walking through the hall of the mountain king, walking down the street dwarfed by enormous towers and buildings of glass and steel draped in colors of all sorts under a sun that isn't round but more cube shaped and has a very slight but noticeable blue hue, these are the things that have come to bring me some sort of peace and inspiration and ultimately some sort of hope.

To be robbed of these things is fucking unforgivable.

But I know I'm not alone. Everyone gets mad with a lack of sleep. We call them "grumpy" but I don't really have a term I use for people who are annoyed because they haven't slept.

In either case, I hope I can get more sleep and dream more.

That way, I'm guaranteed to be more of a pleasant person.

If you're wondering about the title, run a Google search for The King of Time.