When the reflection walks away

There are times in a person's life when it seems that they cannot understand themselves anymore. There seems to be a disconnect from the past and present. The link that held these two things in a healthy balance is seemingly severed, save for a few bits of pieces that seem to say "ehh sorta". The things that person believed in now seem so foreign and downright bizarre.

It even gets to the point that they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror. The reflection becomes a complete stranger that is expected to be familiar but for the life of you, isn't and can't be remembered. A part of them seems absent. Another piece seems to be broken and, as a whole, that person seems to have changed. So much that they only see a stranger in their reflection.

It can also be that the person is still there but they're just buried underneath layers of time, experience, and a subconscious desire to escape something about themselves. It's not just a physical trait that seems off, it's something deeper. Something in the mind that seems to ask "Who am I? Who are you?" and eventually leads one to ask themselves: "How did it get to be like this?" if a spoken reaction can even be processed.

Trying to revert to short hair and a clean shave has the same effect of casting questions of self-doubt upon the self. The same way that dressing one way for a season and severing ties with friends the next season also cast a series of questions that ferment doubt in one's mind. Burning questions about identity and all that into the mind.

"I don't know I am" I said through tears once. It was a very difficult time that I got over but not without some scarring. My friend said I was some strong, bold, and fierce character. Basically a survivor and conqueror. Perhaps.

That's the eternal struggle, isn't it? To find oneself in the middle of raging storm that never ends. Or find answers. The answers in turn reveal more questions and more answers. It is how it is. Even when one isn't sure of oneself, be it by change, answers and questions build and build. They cause doubt and some form of internal conflict but that's really not they're point. It's you questioning and prioritizing things about you. Building yourself. You forget that because you forget that everything changes. It's the only thing that'll ever stay the same: change.

You're supposed to disappear to reappear until things seem right. Is that it? Probably. That's really just one way to look at things.

Doubt leads to durability, perhaps.