Damn it

I'm not a person who hates things. Well, I'm not a person who "hates" a lot of things. That's a more accurate statement. I don't actually see a point in hatred even though I know I still have some issues regarding hatred to resolve. That's to say, I "hate" the things I "hate" far less than I did when I started. All this is thanks to a process called "growing up" which is also known as "letting things go" even though sometimes they can be classified as two different things. Growing up and letting things go are required of an adult, something I'm working on becoming and will achieve. Eventually, in time, at some point.

Though I try to have as little hate as possible, there are some things I just can't stand. One of them is having to say three words. "I give up." and actually mean it.

It's one thing to say something and another thing to mean it. When you say one thing but don't mean it, it's generally considered to be a lie. Even if you're an actor, you still have to have a great degree of conviction in your delivery of your lines for them to ring true with the audience and make your performance believable and therefore better. So I hope that helps you understand what I mean when I say whatever it is I'm trying to say about saying something and meaning it. I suppose a better example would be the distinction between saying "sorry" and apologizing. There is a world of difference, but that'll have to wait for another time as I am straying from my original topic.

I'm the kind of person who will forever try to be an optimist, even in the face of danger. I might even laugh in the face of death. Why? Probably because I've lost my mind. I probably have because I haven't been completely sane for quite a while now. I tend to switch between being content with the way things are going and trying to get out of this damned swamp of misery.

But yes, in my efforts to be an optimist despite crappy odds I often falter and almost surrender.

I don't though because if I can control the situation, or turn it around or something I will do it. But if I give up readily and willingly even though things CAN be changed, then- it's a sickening feeling that everyone has felt at some point or another. That persistent specter of what-if and shoulda-coulda-woulda. The ghost of possibilities gone by. That's what makes me feel ill.

And that's why I remain stubborn and steadfast though it may be my downfall. That and bad writing.