Pa

Today irks me to no end. No, that's not entirely true; it used to irk me to no end. Now, it's just another day... for the most part. I acknowledge its existence and the meaning it carries for other people, people who I see as lucky. I see them as lucky because they have a father in their lives and have had one throughout their lives.

Father's Day.

I think, in these times, it's actually an accomplishment and something remarkable when one's father actually stays beyond birth (or even conception) and actively works to help. There's a difference between saying sorry and apologizing, and there's a difference between being a father and being the sperm provider. Any male can provide sperm but it takes a special type of male to be a father. The father provides the sperm and stays to make sure it doesn't turn out to be a fuck-up or anything like that. The level of involvement makes the difference.

That's just how I see things. Maybe it's overly demanding. In the past, I've set up these really high standards for myself if I ever chose to become a father.

Maybe I was just so bitter thinking about mine not being around that I came up with this fantasy type scenario in which I would excel in an effort to destroy my father and destroy that hole I carried for years.

A girl I was dating pointed out that it's good that I have high expectations for myself in that arena, but that I should be careful about it.

Hmm.

Or it could be that I grew up with television fathers/father-figures like Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and all those that they became my template and some sort of goal. That and hearing from my peers about how "my dad this" and "my dad kicked that guy's ass" and "my dad helped me" etc. Fuel.

I don't care anymore. I did at one point but as it happens nowadays, I don't anymore. It bothers me that he never made any efforts to raise me or genuinely stay in touch with me until I was 18/19. By then, anything he had to teach me or tell me, I had already learned myself or from other people. I was quite bitter about it growing up but now not so much. I get upset when I read/see/hear about boys getting girls pregnant and running off, or staying with them for a bit and then running off. If there's one thing in the world that pisses me off it's that level of cowardice.

And hearing about how kids pine for their fathers who they've never met (and will probably never meet) only enrages and saddens me further. Those filthy cowardly bastards.

On the other hand, when I hear about fathers who are still taking care of their kids, it restores in me some faith in humanity.

Just because I don't care about my situation, doesn't mean I don't care about others. I have great respect for the fathers I know who are actively involved in their kids' lives and continue to be there.

I learned a lot of things on my own, I didn't have someone to call "dad" or "pa" to guide me. If I'll have kids, I don't know. If I do, however, I'll do my best not to be my "father."

In closing, Happy Father's Day to all the real fathers and father-figure types out there. Keep on doing what you're doing.