When my Dust is Dust

Sometimes (or often), I think about events and (phenomena in general) that I won't be alive for. Some of the things I think of are: the years 3,000 AD (if we're still using AD); 5,000; 9,000; and if applicable: 1 million, 10 million, 10 billion, etc. I also think of my greatⁿ-grandchildren and what they'll think of me, if they know of me (or if my bloodline will extend that far, or if it extends at all); continental drift; how advanced machinery will become, if at all; and, of course, the end of the universe by which I really mean: the end of everything.

The end of the universe (or everything, as we know it) comes to mind the most. And it tends to hit me pretty hard, sometimes. Thoughts of my descendants only fuel my ego, mind you; as a result, I try not to think too obsessively on them (or think of them less frequently), lest they think me a megalomaniacal self-obsessed fiend (more so than usual).

For me, the end of the universe is a fascinating subject to think about. The idea of how the end will come is what fascinates me the most. I know Earth will end long before that. And assuming humans haven't mastered interplanetary travel, we will have perished as well. Be it by being scorched or engulfed by the sun, spontaneous combustion, perpetual nuclear war, vile biological warfare, machines crushing mankind, and a wide array of other possibilities ranging from reasonable to ridiculous. But! We are resourceful, cunning, ingenious, and stubborn bastards; we'll survive the destruction of Earth, somehow.

The time leading up to the end is a scary thing. To be aware of the end inching closer and closer is probably a terrifying feeling. For an entire group of people to know that inescapable truth and to know that they will soon be forgotten... kind of hard to put into words, isn't it? How can you sum up something that transcends the definition of fear and terror? To know you're going to be annihilated and that there's nothing you can do to stop it is too much for words. The closest substitution we have is "helplessness" and "fear" but don't those two terms imply a sense of hope? That whatever you fear can be overcome? Helplessness is only temporary? Not when it comes to the destruction of the universe and the ultimate fate of everything.

The end isn't that bad. It's how one gets there that presents a problem, or point of pondering.

I guess that old saying is true. It's about the journey, not the destination. To paraphrase.

I'm fine with the end, it's the path leading that irks me a bit. Makes me feel somewhat trapped, sometimes.

Just imagine being strapped to a conveyor belt. Strapped in so tightly that movement to any degree is impossible. The sounds of carnage, chaos, and destruction get louder as the belt moves. You cannot escape and all the while you're being hit with sharp little pebbles (reminders of what will come, and what you will eventually be free from). Each time the pebbles hit you, you gain some sort of perspective. You know you can feel, and you know you're going to die eventually. At least, it's expected that one would gain some sort of perspective if you're being pelted by sharp little pebbles. Eventually, it should be so the pebbles are a part of you... sort of, and a result you begin to understand each other. (Or you understand it; the universe and its vast mysteries are under no obligation to understand you.) What it means to be alive, what it means to walk and breathe and be.

You begin to understand why you're here, not why anyone else or we are here. Born to die is looking at things with a narrow scope, in my opinion. It's a fact that everything that starts, ends. Everything gets from point A to point B. But what about all that stuff in between? That's what really matters, I think. That's when and where sharp pebbles rain down upon on you. Tiny bites pushing you towards something. Understanding? Your role in the grand scheme things? "Close your eyes, you idiot; you're being hit by pebbles and will most likely lose your eyesight or have it really fucked up"?

The lesson the pebbles teach varies from person to person. I'm still not fully aware of mine. I'll get there, at some point. I accept that. And I accept that acceptance is part of understanding.

What does any of this have to do with anything?

Sometimes, I think about things that are far greater than myself. Out of my present reach. By sometimes, I mean often. I get very curious about things that I won't be alive to see. I've tried to understand why I keep thinking about stuff that's out of my reach- such as the end of the universe. And any time I start thinking WHY my thoughts go running to the end of the universe (and whatever I can connect to it), I'm left with no explanation.

At this point, I've learned to accept it.