2k11 Re-rE-RE-rewind

Or: 2011 in review.

2011 has certainly been a fairly eventful year in many respects. If I were to compare myself from 2010 and now, I would be amazed (in a way) at how different I seem. Of course, this is entirely subjective and held entirely on the basis of opinion; I can never look at myself without some degree of bias (either positive or negative). Thusly, I begin to ramble (one thing that will probably never change).

2011 has seen a number of things change or stay the same.

What has changed is my outlook on a number of things. There's a greater deal of careful, calculated cynicism towards just about everything. I say it is careful and calculated because I try not to speak so much unless I know the conversation won't drown me. The cynicism part is just for alliteration; what I really mean is that while I try to remain optimistic about things to come, I owe it to myself to remain grounded in reality. I've struggled with megalomania, and it really sucks because you begin to invent these ideas and visions that are so grandiose, you just give up on actually trying to accomplish them. You let yourself be swept away into some fantastical daydream and let yourself melt away back into reality having accomplished nothing. In a sense, I'm a horse wearing flimsy blinders. They're flimsy because I still get very distracted.

I've begun to question things again. I used to question things but then I stopped being 16. Now I question them with a greater (by comparison) degree of wisdom and understanding of how the world works. Granted, I still don't know a goddamn thing but I know more than I did back when I thought saying "down with the government, anarchy forever" was a good idea and a good thought process. (What a jackass!)

I've also let myself become more and more unhinged, in the sense that I carry an attitude that can be summarized as saying "meh" to just about anything. The only thing that differentiates each "meh" is the delivery and tone behind it.

I've thrown myself into a free-fall whose chaos I seem to enjoy, in some strange way. I enjoy it because I laugh more and feel this general sense of well-being that comes when you've cast off some things that weigh you down. That free-fall might have a disastrous ending (or one that'll leave me upset and dissatisfied). Yes, that's that careful, calculated cynicism talking. Hmm. Could be worse.

Some of the things that have remained the same: my imagination, my inexplicable optimism, my "meh" attitude.

I don't think I need to write at length about the things that have remained constant and relatively unchanged.

I think I'm doing all right. Of course, thinking and being are always two different beasts. This much is certain: I still don't make much sense.