Have Kittens?

I often recall days gone by, as I am wont do, and notice different things each time I take that "stroll down memory lane." Sometimes I notice how foolishly I behaved, how gallantly I behaved, how she used to kiss me, how strange I looked without a mustache, and various other things of varying importance.

But more relevant to this post, I noticed how I rarely seemed to panic. How I seemed to be more cool under pressure, and could probably still shiver in a burning building. An exaggeration, obviously, but I thought it made my point more colorful. I didn't think I ever actually had nerves of steel but the more I remember, the more it seems like I did. Of course, these days, those nerves seem to have rusted, so who the hell really knows anymore? Or my perception has changed greatly, which I wouldn't doubt given that I seem to be rather ambivalent and sometimes apathetic about most matters these days. I've hinted at this in previous posts.

Hmm.

I do remember sitting back in a chair and watching peers freak the fuck out and run around like headless chickens while I just sat there, thinking about what movie I wanted to watch when I got home. Or just spacing out humming a Pink Floyd song. I also recall how I could sit down a day or two before an assignment was due, write whatever came to mind, mold it into something relevant to the assignment, turn it in, and receive a pretty high grade while others would receive less than stellar marks (or a grade lower than they wanted) despite larger amounts of time spent sweating and killing themselves over the same assignment. Sure, it felt unfair for a second but what mattered was that I kept my cool. This, I can probably still do.

Though it does amaze me sometimes how quickly the future seems to be approaching and how unshaken I am. It's appalling, frankly. Other are freaking out, or relishing it, and I'm just standing there. Scratching the back of my head, eyeing suspiciously at this behemoth barreling towards me. Is something wrong with me? I think the very existence of this blog indicates "yes."

I have to be fair and admit that even today despite my swim in the ocean of ambivalence, whenever fear strikes me, it strikes hard and paralyzes. It's only fair, I guess.

I have to ask, how is "have kittens" synonymous with panic?

One thing I am sure of is that days gone by often seem brighter in the rear-view mirror.